Tear it Down
by Loza333
Summary: So this is just some ramblings from episode 1.15 'Padre'. Focused mainly on Stef, Lena & Callie, it deals with things that came up in the episode - as well as some extra stuff that I just couldn't get out of my head!
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N. Ever since I saw episode 1x15 'Padre' a few weeks ago, well I knew it was definitely one of my favourite episodes, but I also knew that there was A LOT more that I would have like to see in there. Mainly in how Stef was feeling, how her father's death was really affecting her, how she was really feeling about the whole baby thing and of course, the Callie conversation. So this is basically just a whole lot of extra stuff I would have liked to see in the episode. It does kind of follow the episode (and has parts from it in here so they belong to creators), but there are also quite a few extra bits that are just my take on things. Will probably only be 2 parts. Enjoy, and please leave a review!**_

* * *

**Part 1**

Stef woke up abruptly, jumping in her sleep. She felt slow tears make tracks down her face and onto her pillow. That dream had felt so real, but the more she thought about it, the more unrealistic it really seemed. She hadn't spoken freely like that with her Dad for so long, she couldn't even remember the last time. All her recent memories of her Dad involve arguments, judging, frustration and anger. It had been years since they had just had a regular conversation that didn't end in one of them snapping and leaving. What kind of relationship was that? It wasn't one really. She had become so estranged from her father that she had no idea what to feel at the moment. Of course she was sad, but there were so many other feelings swimming around she felt like she was drowning. She felt guilty, so guilty that the last thing she said to him was so horrible, but she also felt angry. Angry that he had made their relationship that way, and angry that he had never been able to accept her for whom she really was. She felt her body begin to shake and a sob escape her lips.

Lena quickly sat up, moving closer to Stef who was facing away from her and placed a hand on her back.

"Stef, honey. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry for waking you" she said quietly, in a voice that proved she was anything but fine.

"It's ok to be upset you know…" Lena said, putting her arms around her and holding Stef's back to her chest.

"I'm not upset…" Stef snapped back angrily, before bringing her hands up to cover her face. "Sorry, I didn't mean that love"

"Hey, roll over and talk to me please…" Lena said, pushing back so Stef could turn and face her. Her heart broke as she saw her wife's bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks.

"I'm just so angry at him Lena. Our relationship shouldn't have been like this. I don't know how to feel…"

"Shh its ok, it's ok to feel confused" Lena said, running her hand through Stef's hair tenderly.

Stef just nodded her head, her hand resting on Lena's arm.

"I think I'm just going to get up…" she said, pulling away from Lena and hopping out of bed before she could protest.

"Stef, its only 5am…"

"I know, but I'm not going to be able to sleep so I may as well get up and start getting stuff ready for today…" she said, grabbing her robe from the chair in the corner of the room.

"Well I'll come help you…"

"No, it's fine. You get some more sleep hun." Stef kissed Lena on the cheek, then walked out of their bedroom and shut the door behind her.

Lena sighed, flopping back onto the bed. She was so worried about Stef at the moment. She had been so distant since her father had died. When she came home that day after finding him, she was as pale as a ghost. It took her half an hour to even tell Lena what had happened. Since then, she had continued to pull away from Lena and the kids every chance she got. Aside from eating breakfast and dinner with them, Stef would disappear into their room or outside to be by herself. The kids were starting to worry too. But Stef, being the stubborn person that she was refused to give any answer other than she was 'fine'. Today was Frank's funeral, and she knew it was going to be an extremely hard day for her wife. Lena just wanted to support her as best she could, but she herself was struggling, especially with Stef keeping everything so bottled up.

Stef's tone was dull and her voice was lacking its usual spark. It seemed as if she had retreated even further into herself as the day went on. She was not herself on the way to the church, but Lena just put that down to anxiety about the service. Now that they were home though, there was definitely something else still on her mind. As all the kids clambered up the stairs, Jude hung back behind them.

"Mom. Is it ok if Connor comes over today, would that be weird?"

Lena was caught momentarily off guard, before recovering and giving Jude the answer he was looking for.

"I think that's a great idea, why don't you go and call him?"

As Jude rushed by her to get to the phone, she felt Stef's hand on her back.

"He called me Mom…" Lena said quietly.

Lena saw the first genuine smile she had seen from her wife all week. That beautiful but playful smile that she fell in love with all those years ago. Stef didn't have to say anything, in that moment there on the stairs; Lena knew her wife was happy. Maybe Stef was finally going to start working through this; maybe she was going to be ok.

Stef pushed around the chairs outside absent-mindedly, no idea if she was trying to neaten them up or rearrange them. She was really just pushing them around for something to do. Her thoughts were all over the place at the moment, and she felt like she had absolutely no control over it. Hearing Lena's joy at Jude calling her Mom made Stef's entire body feel warm and tingly. She loved those kids, and she was glad that their youngest was finally starting to feel a part of the family. But her mind keeps going back to those pills she found this morning, and she can't help but feel betrayed. How could Lena do that? How could she go behind her back and make such a big decision without mentioning anything about it? She had never mentioned wanting a baby before, and she wants one now? Now that they have three teenagers and are trying to adopt two more? Surely Lena knows that they don't have the room, or the money for that matter to raise another child? It just wouldn't be possible. She sighed heavily, sitting down in one of the chairs and resting her head in her hands. She looked up to see Marianna and Callie cooking in the kitchen, a small smile on her face as she watched the sweet moment. One thing that she was happy about was that Callie was back home. She was so glad that girl was safe, and Stef was going to do everything she could to make sure Callie got what she deserved. Callie had been through so much, and she needed this family, whether she could see it yet or not.

Stef felt numb as she let her head fall back into her hands. After the service today, and after seeing that Pastor again so many years later; she felt like she was a confused teenager again. She loves Lena, of course she does; no matter what she has been keeping from her lately. But seeing that Pastor up there, giving this beautiful eulogy about the wonderful man her father was, well it was a little hard to take. Stef had to stop herself from bolting out of the church right then and there when she heard the Pastor say that 'Frank was a giving man, and he was a man that gave so much to the church and the community. He accepted and befriended all of those who needed him…' How was it possible that her own father was able to accept strangers, but not accept his own daughter? It was baffling to her. Stef pulled her head up to see Lena and Mike looking at her through the window. She quickly pulled herself out of the chair and went out into the backyard, not being able to stand the pitying looks they were giving her. It was worse than when she got shot all those weeks ago.

Lena sighed as she listened to Mike tell her about the article that had been in the paper this morning. She shook her head in disbelief, concern radiating across all of her features.

"It's going to be ok, I mean this is all going to go away right?" she asked.

Mike shrugged, the lines of his forehead creasing in frustration.

"I don't know, I know it was supposed to go away. I was supposed to be going back to work next week, but now they're not letting me."

"That's terrible Mike."

Mike turned his attention out the window to where Stef was sitting at the outside table, her head in her hands.

"How's she doing?" he asked seriously.

"She's ok. I mean, you know Stef. She keeps everything so close to her chest that it's hard to tell sometimes."

Just as Lena finished talking Stef looked up, seeing the two staring at her. She sighed as she watched Stef get up as quickly as she could and rush off round the corner. She wasn't quite running, but she might as well have been.

"I feel like the more I ask how she's feeling, or if she's ok, the worse she gets. She has moments where she seems to be handling it, then all of a sudden her face goes blank and she's back to that…" Lena said, gesturing at the window. "I know she's upset that she didn't get to talk to her Dad before he died. She was going over there to apologize about the car, but it was too late…"

"Yeah, well it's got to be pretty tough. I'm sure she will come around."

"I hope so"

As Mike headed into the other room, Lena felt Callie hovering behind her.

"Lena…" she said quietly.

"Yes sweetie, what's up?" Lena said, turning around and trying her best to smile.

"Um… Is… Is Stef ok?" she stuttered.

Lena sighed heavily, wrapping her arm around Callie's shoulders. Sometimes she forgot just how observant the teenager was. For someone who had been through so much, and suffered so much, Callie's ability to worry about everyone else still astounded her.

"She's grieving, she's sad I guess." Lena said simply. There was no point trying to sugar coat it for Callie, she knew that she would see right through her.

"It's hard to lose a parent – and I know Stef and her Dad weren't on great terms. It must be really hard for her." Callie said quietly.

Lena's heart ached for the girl, pulling her closer into her side as she thought about how Callie losing her mother all those years ago.

"Yeah, it is hard for her. Stef is a pretty closed person sometimes; she doesn't like people seeing her emotions. I think right now it's hard for her to give up being the strong one, like she normally is…" Lena said, turning to look at Callie to see her reaction. She wondered if the teen could see the similarities.

"Hmm, she kind of sounds like me." Callie scoffed, smiling when she saw her foster mother grinning back at her.

"I was just thinking the same thing…"

As the guests started arriving, Stef felt like she was just wandering around the house in a daze. People would stop her as she walked past them, telling her 'she had a lovely home and they were so sorry for her loss. Her father was a good man'. A part of Stef felt like laughing in the person's face each time it was spoken. Was her father a good man? Was he a good man for shunning his daughter and spending ten years disapproving of her choices? She had no idea.

She grabbed a piece of licorice as Marianna walked past her carrying the tray.

"Aren't these a little, you know dark for a funeral?"

"They were Dad's favourite" she answered simply, putting a piece into her mouth to chew on. "He used to say it was the only candy he could have in the house that I wouldn't steal, but now I love it."

Marianna looked doubtfully at her.

"You should try some…" Stef suggested.

As Marianna attempted to put the licorice in her mouth, Stef noticed something over her daughter's shoulder.

Lena was standing on the far side of the room, playing peek-a-boo with a baby. Stef felt her stomach flip and her heart start to beat a little bit faster. She felt like she was staring, but she couldn't look away. How could she ignore this, was Lena really trying to have a baby without so much as mentioning it to her? She watched her wife's face light up as the baby smiled back at her, and suddenly it was all too much for her. She excused herself from Marianna before bolting upstairs and into their bedroom. She shut the door behind her, dropping to the floor by their bed and leaning up against it. She took some deep breaths, trying to steady her quickening pulse. She couldn't do this, she couldn't get back out there and listen to all these people and have all these strangers in her house. She just felt like crawling into bed and pulling the blankets up over her so she could hide. She knew she was being ridiculous, and she knew that that was not the way an adult should handle their problems. If this was one of the kids she would tell them to take some time, and then face their problems head on. But she was so exhausted. She just wanted to give up. And now that she felt so distant from Lena, the one person who was supposed to be there for her and trust her with everything, well Stef felt like what used to be solid ground was now constantly shifting on her. And she had no idea how to steady it again.


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N. Thanks for all the great reviews for this story so far! Really appreciate it. So I think this story may turn into 3 parts instead - I was never very good at sticking to word limits. This part deals more with the Stef/Callie relationship - so next part with focus on Stef/Lena and the whole baby thing. Let me know what you think! All parts taken from the show belong to the wonderful creators!**_

* * *

**Part 2**

Stef breathed a steadying sigh before pulling herself up off their bedroom floor and heading to the door. She really just wanted to hide up there all day, but she knew that she had been up here too long already. Someone would have noticed she had been missing for 20 minutes by now. Just as she was about to open the door, she heard a timid knock from the other side. Opening the door quickly, Stef was a little stunned to find Callie standing there, an unsure look on her face.

"What's up love? Is everything ok?" Stef asked worriedly, jumping straight back into Mom mode.

"That's funny; I was just about to ask _you_ that…" Callie shot back.

Stef let out a sigh, often forgetting that her eldest daughter could read others so easily.

She grabbed Callie's hand, pulling her into the room and shutting the door behind her again. Callie looked back at her confused, a frown forming on her forehead at Stef's unusual behavior.

"I just, needed some time away from…everything" Stef said honestly.

Callie nodded, sitting down on her mother's bed.

"Lena is looking for you."

"Yeah I figured"

Stef sat next to Callie, placing a tentative hand on the teenagers back.

"Thank you for coming today love. It really means a lot to me." Stef said quietly.

Callie shrugged, answering quickly. "I wanted to be here for you, well for all of you really."

"Well thanks. I really miss you around here Callie."

Callie looked at Stef, unsure of whether her foster mother was being genuine. No adult had ever said that to her before. "Why?" she managed to croak out.

"Why?" Stef asked incredulously, as if the answer was obvious. "Because we love you Callie, and I've always felt like out of all the kids, well you're the most like me."

Callie couldn't help the smile that appeared on her face. It was the second time that someone had brought that to her attention today. She couldn't ignore the warm feeling that it had given her.

"Do you want me to go and stall Lena for a while? Give you some more time?" Callie asked earnestly.

Stef smiled playfully, bringing Callie into her side for a quick hug. "That's ok sweetie, I'll come down with you."

Lena saw Stef trailing behind Callie on the stairs, seeing the worry and sadness etched onto her partners face. She made her way through the crowd of people standing around in the living room, heading towards Stef quickly. Callie went one way, while Stef went the other, nearly bumping into Lena as she approached.

"Hey, I've been looking for you. Are you…."

"We need to talk" Stef said blankly, cutting Lena off mid sentence.

Stef reached for Lena's hand, dragging her into the kitchen behind her. Stef took a quick look around the room, making sure it was empty and there were no kids listening in.

"Is there something you want to tell me?" Stef said seriously.

Lena sighed, letting her shoulders slump slightly.

"Mike told you?' she asked in disbelief.

"Mike…? What?"

Well now Stef was really confused. What on earth did Mike have to do with this? How did he know about something as important as this before she did?

"About the article…" Lena clarified, struggling to read the emotions on her wife's face. As soon as she saw her eyes widen, she knew that this was not what Stef had been talking about at all. She felt like kicking herself, she had just made everything so much worse.

"What article? Lena?" Stef asked, panic and anger evident in her voice.

Lena sighed again, reaching out a hand to gently rub Stef's upper arm.

"It's nothing babe. Nothing that you need to be worrying about right now anyway."

Lena felt heart tighten when Stef visibly jerked away from her touch.

"Seriously Lena? I can't believe you've been keeping this from me."

"I was going to tell you Stef, just after today. You already had so much to deal with, I didn't want you to be focusing on anything other than saying good bye to you father today…"

Stef scoffed, stepping back from her wife.

"Well it's a bit late for that isn't it…?" she said bitterly, turning on her heel and heading back into the living room.

Lena stood still in shock, unsure as to what was happening right now. Stef was hurting, she knew that. But she had no idea where all the anger was coming from. And she had even less idea about how to help.

Once Stef had spoken to Mike, read the article, and then spoken to her Mom as well, she felt even more confused than ever. She picked up the box of cupcakes that she had left out of sight, taking them to the kitchen to put them on a plate. She dumped the box on the counter, flipping open the lid and staring down at the cakes in disbelief. Seriously, was this really happening? She threw her hand onto the kitchen bench angrily, causing Lena and Callie to look up at her.

"Are you kidding me?"

"What's wrong?"

"These are dodger cupcakes; they are supposed to be Padre Cupcakes. I never checked the box when I picked them up. Dad hated the dodgers!" Stef said in exasperation.

"It's ok hun. I can go and pick up some plain ones" Lena started, moving towards her wife.

"Ah it's fine. It's stupid anyway. I'll just put them out like this…" she said, stalking off.

Stef dumped the cupcakes onto the table, turning and walking quickly back to the kitchen. She felt bad for snapping at Lena, and for all the kids to have had to watch her lose her cool like that. She should apologize. As she got back to the kitchen, Callie was frantically running around the kitchen, and her partners face told her that something was wrong.

"What's going on?" she asked, looking at Lena.

"Um, Callie misplaced her necklace."

"I didn't misplace it ok, I lost it, and I'm so stupid…." Callie shouted, wildly going through the garbage.

"Callie, honey its ok. I'm sorry, but we can always replace it…" Lena said softly.

"No Lena, don't. Just leave me alone!" Callie said forcefully, rejecting Lena's touch and running out into the backyard.

Stef shared a puzzled and concerned look with her partner, just as Jude spoke up.

"It was out Mom's necklace." He said sadly, heading out into the backyard after Callie.

Lena went to follow, but Stef stopped her, realization hitting her.

"I'll go love."

"Are you sure?" Lena asked, still attempting to get past her partner to the open door.

Stef put her hand on Lena's shoulder, causing her to look at her in confusion.

"Let me talk to her ok?"

Lena just nodded, unsure as to what her wife seemed to know that she didn't.

Stef headed outside, closing the door behind her.

"Jude, can I talk to Callie please?" she said, placing her hands on the young boys shoulder and giving him a kiss on the temple.

Jude reluctantly went inside, leaving Stef and Callie alone.

"Lena was only trying to help you know." She started.

"I know I'm sorry."

"That necklace is not your Mom"

"It's the only thing I have left of her"

"That's not true; you have her and all those memories. And those are never going to get lost." Stef said, placing a hand over her heart and trying to desperately make eye contact with Callie. Once Callie's tear filled eyes flicked up to meet Stef's, her chest filled with sadness for the confused girl. Stef reached behind her, pulling out some chairs and sitting down.

"Here, sit down, have a seat, talk to me love." Stef said, Callie following her lead and sitting opposite her.

"You know you've never once said anything about her, about your Mom. Why don't you tell me about her, tell me about this woman who created the amazing girl sitting in front of me" Stef said, desperately trying to get her foster daughter to open up. "Please" she added, locking eyes with Callie.

"I never kissed her goodbye…"

"What?"Stef asked confused.

"The night she died, I never… I should have…"

Stef placed a hand on her knee, squeezing it lightly to let Callie know that she was here for her. She was listening.

Callie took a deep breath, and Stef could see that it was hard for Callie to get the words out.

"The night she died, I never kissed her goodbye. I should have kissed her goodbye" Callie said, tears streaming down her face and sobs wracking her body.

"Oh Callie, oh baby" Stef said sadly, leaning closer and bring the teenager towards her chest in a hug.

Stef was glad that for once, Callie didn't stiffen or pull away at her touch. She let the girl sit there and hold on to her as she cried, trying anxiously to keep her own tears from falling.

"You know the last thing I said to my Dad was to basically take the car and shove it" she said into Callie's ear, breathing a sigh of relief as she felt the girl smile and laugh in her hold. She pulled back to look at her.

"It hurts to lose someone you love, and you never want to feel that way again. But the problem with that is, to stop that happening again that you shut yourself off. You stop loving, and that's no way to live."

Stef paused, watching as Callie continued to cry in front of her. She knew that the teen understood, she knew what Stef was trying to tell her. The poor girl had spent so long trying not to feel, and trying to shut herself off from everyone other than Jude. And now, she was faced with all these new people, people who loved her and cared about her. People who wanted her to be a part of their family. She felt her stomach twist as she realized why Callie ran away all those weeks ago.

"It's hard to open yourself up again." Stef paused, taking a deep breath. "You know most of the time I feel like I have 5 separate hearts running around outside of me"

Callie started at her, confused as to what she was trying to say.

"It's you kids." Stef said truthfully, smiling slightly at the look of shock in Callie's eyes.

Callie stared at Stef in disbelief for quite a while, unsure of what to say next. What could she say to that? Stef knew exactly how she felt, what she had just described is what she had been doing the moment she found out their mother was dead. Stef understood her so well, and she loved her. Stef loved her and Jude so much, that she compared them to all of her other children like there was no difference. Callie had no idea how they had managed to get so lucky with this family, but she knew she didn't want to let them go.

She felt Stef move forward, wrapping her up in another hug. Callie then did something that she had never done with any adult since her mother, she hugged her back. She clutched at Stef with shaky arms, her hands on the older woman's back, pulling her in close. This, this moment right now with Stef, well it felt perfect.

Lena joined Brandon and Marianna at the kitchen window, taking in what they were seeing. Callie with a tear stained face, hugging her wife forcefully, practically clinging to her. Lena smiled at the sight, her heart filling with joy as she saw the two connecting so strongly. She knew that Callie had a lot of issues and terrible things in her past, and to see her so open and vulnerable with Stef really was a turning point. Maybe connecting with Callie was exactly what Stef needed right now as well.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3**

When it looked as though Callie and Stef were making their way back inside, everyone scrambled out of the kitchen and away from the window. Lena stayed put, waiting for the two to come through the door. As soon as they entered, Callie's gaze dropped to the floor, a look of embarrassment and shame on her face.

"I'm so sorry Lena. I didn't mean to yell at you like that." She said her voice barely above a whisper.

Stef placed a comforting hand on her back, and Callie immediately took a step backwards so she was closer to Stef.

"Oh Callie, you don't need to apologize. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now – what both of you must be feeling…" she said, including Stef in her statement as well.

Stef nodded, locking eyes with her wife for a moment, before letting out a brief sigh.

"You know I'm a bit hungry. I haven't eaten all day now that I think about it. How about you sweets?" she said to Callie.

Callie just shrugged in response, not looking up from the floor in front of her.

"I'm going to go get some food, do you want to come with me?" she asked Callie.

The teen nodded eagerly, following Stef into the lounge room where the food was.

Lena let out a shaky sigh as she watched the two disappear from sight. She had never felt so disconnected from Stef in the ten years they had been together.

Stef and Callie were both sat in the living room, picking food off their plates at a very slow rate. Lena watched them from her spot in the corner of the room. She was in a conversation with some of their friends, but she couldn't concentrate on what anyone was saying. She couldn't tear her eyes away from Stef and Callie. The two were sat close together, but in silence. Neither of them had said anything since they had been sitting there. A feeling of uneasiness engulfed her, as it always does when Stef goes silent. Stef is usually never quiet, in fact most of the time you can't shut her up. Her smart mouth, playful grin and sarcastic nature were what made Lena fall for her in the first place. So whenever Stef went quiet, silent even, it meant things were bad. The last time she was this quiet was the night that they found out Callie ran away. Stef had said nothing to Lena all afternoon, and when she went in search of her partner that night, she found her staring out the window of their bedroom, tears running down her face.

"I don't get it Lena, why would she do this? We love her, she knew that right?" she said, her voice cracking. Lena would never forget how heartbroken Stef sounded that night, and she would never forget how she held her shaking body in her arms as they slept. Stef rarely let herself get that emotional, and he next morning she was back to her usual action-packed self. But Lena still shudders when she thinks about how gutted her love was that night several weeks ago.

She can't stop looking at the two of them huddled together on the couch. Callie has not left Stef's side since their conversation in the backyard, and by the looks of it Stef didn't really want her to. Stef got up, taking her and Callie's plates into the kitchen. Callie followed a few steps behind her. She watched as they came back into sight, stopping to talk to the minister who performed the service. Lena could see how tense her wife was even from a distance, and just as she went to move to her, something stopped her in her tracks. Callie reached for Stef's hand, gripping it tightly. She could see the comfort that their foster daughter was providing her, allowing Stef to stand up that bit straighter and smile tightly. As the minister said goodbye and walked past them, she watched her wife's breathing get heavy and the worry lines on her forehead emerge. But again, Callie handled it. She put a hand on Stef's back, and lead her out of the room and back to the kitchen. Lena was lost for words, her mixed up feelings taking over. Why was Stef being so open with Callie, but not with her? She could barely get Stef to look at her, let alone allow Lena to comfort her.

"Are you ok?" Callie asked quietly as they stepped into the empty kitchen.

Stef looked down at their still linked hands and smiled.

"Yes, I'm fine. It's just, well that was the minister who my father sent me to when I was a kid. "

"Ok…" Callie said, squeezing her foster mother's hand.

"When I was a teenager, I guess my father suspected that I could have been gay. Instead of talking to me about it, he sent me to that man, where I was told repeatedly that being gay was a sin."

"Really? That's terrible." Callie said in disbelief. She really didn't know Frank at all, but she found it hard to believe that someone as open and as supportive as Stef had not had that from her own father.

Stef just shrugged, letting go of Callie's hand and sitting on one of the stools.

"Is that why, I mean is that why it took you so long to figure it out? Why you married Mike, and Brandon…" Callie trailed off, not sure how to word her question.

"I guess so yeah. I married Mike to make my father happy, and don't get me wrong, I did love Mike. But just not the way I was supposed to. I loved him like a friend, not like a husband. But that period in my life brought me Brandon, and that is something that I will be forever grateful for. I wouldn't change anything." Stef said simply.

Callie nodded, and found herself keen to know more about her foster mother's life.

"Well I think that considering all of that, you are still an incredible person. I mean coming out like that must have been scary, and then adopting the twins and fostering us, all without the support of your Dad. That's pretty amazing Stef."

"Thanks Callie" she said sincerely, her eyes glassy with tears.

"And I want you to know how thankful I am to you and Lena for taking me and Jude in, for taking care of us. You have been so good to Jude, and he loves you guys so much. I just, I'm really glad we found you." Callie said shakily.

Stef nodded, running her hands along Callie's upper arms.

"We love you _both_ so much. And we all want you to come home Callie."

Callie smiled, sitting down on the stool next to Stef and leaning into her gently.

When Jude came asking for Callie to sit with him and Marianna, Callie was reluctant to leave Stef's side.

"Go on sweets."

Callie looked at her, then at Jude, torn between whether to stay or go. She felt comfortable with Stef, she knew that with Stef beside her she wasn't going to fall apart. She was worried if she walked away from her, she would be a mess of tears again in seconds.

"You'll be ok. I'll be around if you need me."

"Ok" Callie replied quietly, smiling briefly at Stef and following behind Jude to where he and Marianna were sitting.

Stef sighed, beginning to tidy things up around the house. There was no one left in the house now but their family, thankfully most of their guests had left about half an hour ago.

She carefully slipped outside to the front yard, her fingers playing with the car keys that she had swiped off the table. She had no idea what she was planning to do, but she just needed a minute of quiet. And as strange as it sounded, that stupid car was the last thing connecting her and her father. Maybe if she went and sat in there for a little while she would feel better, feel closer to him. She scoffed at herself as she unlocked the driver's seat door and got in. Considering she made such a fuss over the car in the first place, she didn't know what to expect. She shut the door behind her, her hands instinctively resting on the steering wheel. Maybe it was helping; she did feel a little better, a little calmer. She felt a stray tear trickle down her cheek as she thought about the last thing she said to her father. Yeah she used it to lighten the mood for Callie earlier, but deep down it really hurt her. How could she have been so cold, so dismissive of him when he was only trying to help? He was right, Lena's parents did help them buy their house, maybe a part of him just wanted to feel included in their family more. How could she have been so nasty to him? She looked down at her Padre's sweat shirt, a vivid reminder of all the good times that they had had together when she was a kid and growing up living and breathing sport with him. She knew that her keen interest in sports made her father extremely proud, and her ability to rattle off various football and baseball stats when she was a teenager always made him smile. And maybe he was coming round to the idea of her 'lifestyle' like the minister had said, but it still cut her deeply that he never took the time to get to know the woman who made his daughter so incredibly happy. That bit would always sting.

She felt more tears flow freely down her face as she looked up to see Lena at the passenger door. She quickly swiped at her face, trying to wipe away the evidence that she had been sitting out here crying.

"Hey" Lena said, sliding into the car and shutting the door behind her.

"Hey" Stef whispered back.

Neither of them said anything for several minutes, just sitting in the silence staring out at the night sky.

Stef couldn't hold it in any longer, she had to ask the question that had been plaguing her thoughts all day.

"So… you want to have a baby?"

Lena looked over at her in disbelief, her mouth wide with shock. Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. She was quite literally speechless. How did Stef know?

"I found the pills in our drawer today… I can't believe that you have been keeping this from me love." She whispered sadly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Stef. I wasn't intentionally keeping it from you. Honestly." She said pleadingly, leaning over and taking Stef's hand gently.

Stef just shrugged and looked away from her.

"I was going to tell you, that day that I had been to the doctor, but the timing wasn't right. And then I was going to tell you the next day, but we were arguing over new cars, and then you went over to make up with you Dad… and well the timing hasn't really been right since. I wanted to give you space hun, I wanted you to grieve over your father, not be worrying about something like this."

Stef laughed, but it wasn't a laugh because something was funny, it was a laugh because she didn't know how to handle this. She wasn't sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry right now.

"It's all I've been worrying about, from the moment I found the pills in the bathroom this morning."

Lena sighed, gripping Stef's hand a little tighter.

"I'm sorry Stef. That was completely my fault; I should have spoken to you sooner. And now this day that you should have been focusing on saying goodbye to your Dad has been ruined."

Stef let out a proper laugh this time, her hand coming up over her mouth to stifle the strange sound.

"Honestly love, it hasn't ruined anything. This day was already ruined; it was ruined by my father and by me for being so stubborn that we couldn't resolve this stupid struggle that has been going on for so many years. And now it's too late…"

Lena's heart broke at the dejected look in her eyes, not sure what to do or say to make any of this better.

"I just… Is having a baby really something you want to do?" Stef asked quietly, looking over at Lena for the first time since she had got in the car.

"Yes… I think so…" Lena choked out.

"Even with five children already, five teenage children who are not exactly a walk in the park. Five children who all have their own issues, and who still need us more than ever?"

"I knew you wouldn't understand…" Lena said wistfully.

"Hah yeah your right I don't understand! How can you think that we would have the time, or the money, or the space to bring up another child? Obviously if we have a baby, you would need to take time off. How will we feed and clothe and educate 6 children on one salary? My salary at that; I mean you know how much I make Lena, come on?" Stef spat angrily.

There was silence for a moment as Lena listened to her wife's concerns, unsure what to really say back. But Stef was only just getting started; she still had plenty to say.

"And what about the other kids, what is it going to look like to them? That none of them are enough for us, that we need a baby that is biologically one of ours? Can we really ask the twins and Callie and Jude to take those feelings on? We are so close to adopting Callie and Jude, and I know that Callie is so close to wanting to come home for good. This might scare her off, and I mean…" Stef paused, a frown forming on her forehead. "… You still want them don't you? Callie and Jude, you still want to adopt them?" she asked, her voice dropping so low Lena could barely hear her.

Lena felt a pang hurt at the suggestion Stef was making.

"Of course I still want them Stef. My god, of course I do."

Stef just nodded, going back to looking out of the front window.

"You really connected with Callie today?" Lena asked.

"Yes, I really did. I want to help her, I want her to come home to us. I want her to be my daughter, I really do Lena."

Lena nodded, a faint smile appearing on her lips at her partners love for Callie, Jude and all their children really.

"I guess I just always felt like I missed out on those feelings, actually carrying a child and giving birth."

Stef was about to protest, but Lena held up a hand signaling that she wanted to get this out without her cutting her off.

"I know you had them with Brandon, but I met you when he was five years old, I never got those experiences. And the twins were nearly eight when we adopted them, and Callie and Jude well we missed out on their entire childhood. I just, I want those experiences. It doesn't mean I love our children or our family any less. I know it's a big ask Stef, I know that. It's just something I would like to discuss anyway. The more I think about having a little baby, who is yours and mine…well it makes me excited, and happy."

Stef let out a long sigh, shifting her body so that she was facing Lena. She took both of her hands and entwined them with Lena's, resting them in her lap.

"I love you so much Lena, and I want you to have everything you ever wanted. You're my wife, of course I want that for you. And if this is something that you really want to do, I will support you, and our family, you know I will."

Lena smiled, her eyes locking with Stef's as she listened to her wife's heartfelt words.

"But right now, I just don't think that I'm strong enough to think about this rationally. I'm not strong enough to do anything at the moment. Everything with my Dad, and with the shooting and Mike and our jobs, and with Callie… I just really feel like I'm drowning here. I need help with that before we go any further. Can we put this conversation on hold for a week?"

"Oh Stef…" Lena said, flinging herself at her wife and holding her tightly. She had never, ever seen Stef so vulnerable. Even all the times she was sick, that time she broke her arm at work, when she was shot, Lena had never, ever seen Stef ask for help. Her heart broke for her usually strong, tough "nothing fazes me' cop wife.

"Of course that's ok. I want to help you, and I want to support you as best I can. I will be here for you, always and forever, you know that right?" she asked, her hand resting under Stef's chin, forcing her to look at her.

Stef nodded, tears forming in her eyes.

"I know love. Always and forever"

The End.

* * *

**_A/N Oh well that's its guys! I really hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. I loved getting to explore Stef a bit more - and explain her feelings in that episode. Let me know what you think anyway!_**

**_ And if there are any other episodes you guys think would be good to do in the same manner as this one, please feel free to request it! I enjoy writing these short pieces that are a bit of a deeper look into the story! :) Thanks to all who read & reviewed! _**


End file.
